Good morning dear hearts! We have made it to Friday.  Another week in the books.  Already half way done with May.  See how time keeps ticking even if we feel like giving up?  Isn’t that the beauty and tragedy of life? And life has been lifing hasn’t it? I’m not sure about all of you but I have been dealing with some heavy feelings this week.  Let’s talk about them and see what rocked my face off.  Welcome back to Faceless Friday. 

Grief.  My first memory of grief (of a person) is when my great grandma on my dad’s side passed away.  I was young, probably around 8 or 9. We had been close.  They lived down our lane and I would go and visit quiet often.  Her and her husband would tell the best stories about the property, as it had been in my dad’s family for over 100 years (about the age her husband was).  When my parents told me about her passing it was very matter of fact and move on with it type of energy.  I remember crying in the bathtub later.  Death has been a common theme in my life.  Friend’s suicides, classmate’s car accidents, more great grandparents and then grandparents.  My friend’s losing their partners, children, and parents. It has been so common and often in my life that I have fully accepted it as it is a part of life.  I have lost everyone that has ever shown me what healthy love is, and managed to keep going.  My counselor asked me this week to focus on the moments in my life where I felt love, so that when I am given less than that I can compare.  The sheet isn’t that long, but what I have kept coming back to is how much I miss my dog Nico.  Nico Harper, Man Dawg Extraordinaire, my seventeen-year-old Australian Shepherd who passed in February.  I’m not sure I will ever stop grieving him and missing him.  So badly I want to bury my face into him again and just be.  You know how mothers can smell the differences in their children? Nico and Josie have their own scents.  Not just the dog smell, but like their smell.  I miss Nico’s smell.  I miss everything about him and selfishly miss how well he loved me.  How he knew my feelings, often times before I did and even knew when my back needed extra support so he would lay behind me on my hard days.  Don’t get me wrong, Josie is trying to climb into my skin as I cry and type this, but Nico had a gentler approach and we were a fucking force from day one.  He picked me as soon as I walked in that shelter and hung on for me as long as he could and I am just so overwhelmed with grief and gratitude for the old bastard that I don’t know what to do with it.  I actually almost got another dog this week (Josie would have probably killed me) but then I realized all I really want is my Nico.  I am going to write our story soon.  Tell you all about him.  I need to do that.  But for now I just wanted to say that I am grateful that I was loved so well by such a beautiful soul and that he rocked my face off every day.  Thank you for helping me to speak about him. 

Flowers. I have basically had an overabundance of sunflowers all over the farm after the first year I planted them.   Thanks to bird seed and the ones I planted the chipmunks and birds have planted them all over the place.  This year it seems the new trend is hollyhocks.  I transplanted 10 already and need to move that many more.  I am pumped to see how this is going to play out.  Also, taking  my kiddo to the garden center will always rock my face off because he gets just as excited as I do and we (of course) have so many more plants and plans than we anticipated for this season. Being able to grow flowers and food while disconnecting from the world rocks my face off SO much.  Teaching my kid how to forage, grow his own food and ground rocks it off even more. 

My Grandparents.  And to tie this all together.  My grief and my growing and my heart would not be what it is without my mom’s parents.  The two people that absolutely and always loved me in a healthy and healing way.  They made sure I was a kid when I was around and taught me so many things about life and about myself.  They taught me that I can absolutely try and do anything and the worst that could happen is I can’t figure it out or it doesn’t work.  They taught me honesty and standing on my truth, even if it made other people uncomfortable.  They taught me softness, kindness, and how to be hard and have boundaries. I have spent so many years healing from the childhood my parents gave me that I often miss the childhood my grandparents gave me when they could.  My grandfather taught me that men can be the most sensitive and present and remain the toughest. My grandma taught me laughter and being a badass is fun and shouldn’t be hidden because it makes other people uncomfortable.  I owe so many of my good parts to them and that rocks my face off.  

Whoa, that was a lot today wasn’t it? Was for me anyway. I’m going to go play in dirt and jam out to some music, but first here is the quick list of things that rocked my face off this week: 

Coffee (amen), creamer, not laughing at my kiddo when he makes himself be grumpy in the morning because I can see that is what he is doing, but I always want him to know I support all his feelings (fake or not), all my wildflowers popping up, the kiddo getting super good at frisbee, Josie girl physically blocking the door until I take her with me to go pick up the kiddo from school, a blue jay family that is nesting near by so I get to see the shenanigans, letting go of people that never even chose me, my brothers, tiktok comment sections, writing my query letter for my book, music, and YOU reader for being here.  Thank you, sincerely, and deeply, thank you.