Welcome back to Faceless Friday, my loves.  I haven’t decided if we are excited for the weekend over here or not, so we are just going to be excited about this moment of gratitude.  If you are new, Faceless Friday is where I list the things that rocked my face off in the past week.  This week was a doozy, so grab some coffee and come join me for this past week’s trials and tribulations.  

Men in therapy.  I think it is a beautiful, and often remarkable thing, to witness men learn about feelings, power dynamics, core wounds and how to show up as healthier versions of themselves for themselves and others.  I have been lucky enough to see many of my friends and family work through some heavy ass shit and become better versions of themselves because of therapy.  I will always advocate for men who do the hard work at looking at their lives, inner workings and family to become better men, fathers, partners and people.  And it is because I have seen therapy work in my own life, in my own family and friends that I am working really fucking hard at accepting that my son’s father is doing his best to reenter little dude’s life.  He (MM) has been putting in the work and is now ready to start therapeutic visits with little man.  When I talked to our son about this he said “this is so exciting, this is bigger than the sun in the whole solar system exciting, big”.  I want this to work for him SO BADLY.  He wants to know his dad so badly and to have a relationship with him.  I ready know his dad will love the hell out of him (the kid is hilarious and amazing), and if MM can let go of the anger that has been running his life the last eight years I have no doubt they will have a beautiful relationship.  So, men that do the work rock my face off, (please let it all work out). 

Letting Go. That brings us to my part of the whole process, doesn’t it? Where I have to sit back and let it all play out like it will, however it will.  How hard it is to love your child so much and want to protect them from the very thing they want more than anything.? The last time we were at this point was five years ago and as soon as little man was ready to meet his dad, he disappeared.  It is so hard to have hope for them both and also be so scared his little heart is going to get shattered again.  Both things can be true.  I can want this for them with all of me and also be terrified that my kiddo is going to be hurt again.  So, I sit in the letting go, in the hope, in the kindness and love I know MM has in him and pray he is becoming who he was.  The kid I knew in middle school, the man I met in the coffee shop, the understanding, patient and loving core of who he really is before the drugs and rage took over.  I am envisioning him and our son playing, laughing, and learning together.  I am letting go of any need to control and letting my kid’s life play out as it will when it comes to his father.  All I can do is be consistent, loving and supportive. Breaking generations of blaming fathers rocks my face off. We are all doing the best we can with what we can, but thank GOD when we know better we do better. 

Acceptance.  Along with ALL of that I am also still working on accepting where I am at when, I am at where I am at.  Like when my back is out, I’m rolling with it.  I’m no longer going to feel guilt for shit I can’t control and I am not going to be shamed by the old men in my neighborhood about my lawn (DAMNIT).  I am taking breaks when I need too, resting as needed and still everything is getting done… eventually.  My whole life I have felt like I was on someone else’s schedule.  Always rushing, or being crushed by guilt, for one thing or another.  Now, I’m just practicing being me.  Turns out me doesn’t really care for people and their bullshit, so there’s that.  I just don’t want to put energy into people or things that don’t improve my life or bring me joy anymore.  That rocks my face off because lawrd knows I lived for everyone else for far too long. 

Alright dear hearts this is long so I will let you get back to your day! Here is the round up list for this week: 

Coffee, cinnamon, hazelnut creamer, The Bear, really good music, dance partays, friendships, family, my animals, my garden stuff, air conditioners, shark vacuums, new leaves on house plants, clean laundry, clean kitchen sink, new sheets, how long I got to live with Nico dog, my brother knowing how to fix my tractor, how sweet my yard smells, the groundhog family, knowing there are feral kittens somewhere that will be out playing soon, cheesecake filling in a TUB, and you.  Thank you for joining me this week and being a witness to all of THIS. YOU always rock my face off.