Happy Faceless Friday. Faceless Friday is where I tell all of you the things that have rocked my face off this past week. A tradition we started almost ten years ago! Knowing that gratitude grows happiness and can change your attitude can really change your life.  An attitude of gratitude can and will change your life. If you don’t believe me, I suggest giving it a try… and I’m realistic. Sometimes it is fucking hard to find gratitude when your entire life feels like it is crumbling and you cannot get out of bed, those are the days we are grateful for the bed. This week has been hard as fuck for me, so if you aren’t in a headspace for heaviness I totally understand if you click out now.  If you’re ready to have your face rocked off with me anyway, welcome to this week’s Faceless Friday.

Here is what has rocked my face off this week, please leave me a comment or send a message to let me know what rocked YOUR face off! I love hearing about your lives and building community.

Let us begin.

I am alive.  There have been more times this week that I didn’t want to be alive than I should admit…  I have been in one of the worst (and longest) PTSD flair ups.  I honestly cannot remember when the last time I felt this low and hopeless was.  I feel like I am trapped in my mind and body, just waiting for some glimmer of hope to revive me and nothing comes, and nothing stays, and everything is hot garbage and the world is ending and I hate it here.  And no one knows.  No one knows because I cannot admit that I don’t want to be here.  No one knows because everyone has their own shit to deal with and I don’t know how to ask for help. And what help would I ask for anyway? What help could anyone even offer? Realistically. What can anyone actually do? I have to keep moving forward.  Keep finding some fucking gratitude, know that I have made it through so much worse, and keep showing up for myself and for my son. We don’t have a choice. There is no choice.

I scream cried to God/The Universe on the way to the parent pick up line today.  Asking why my life has to be so fucking hard.  Why I can’t afford food for my kid? Why can’t have a car that works or money to afford either? A body that would allow me to have those things?  A life my kid deserves without a mom that is constantly stressed about how bad her back hurts, how broke we are, and what vehicle we are going to borrow next.  I screamed and cried about how I am tired and don’t want to live like this anymore.  I cried and screamed for ALL of us, because I am not the only one.  None of us can afford life right now and we are all at our max capacity of …. Everything. It feels like a fucking joke to live in a free world without freedom to thrive, and honestly, most of us are barely surviving.  I am not asking for help, we are all struggling, but I wanted YOU to know that you are not alone, and that fact that you made it through this week also rocks. Thank you for being here.

My son. For also not giving up this week. He still claims he hates school, but he is still getting up every morning and going.  His love of learning (if he allows it) may eventually win out here and I am so very proud of him for going, even if it’s because I bribe him with donuts on Fridays. He may come home and treat me like trash because he is tired and overwhelmed, but hey… we’re growing here.

My OG KT.  My friend KT took me to dinner this week and we laughed and it almost felt like my depression wasn’t winning.  It is so nice to be reminded that I matter to people and she is definitely my people. She also helped me with my overdraft fees from her secret birthday money, which I feel terrible about but oh so grateful for. It lasted until my car insurance came out… so over drafted again, but… still grateful. Also, poor people should not be charged fees for being poor. Such bullshit.

Okay, enough ranting and raving. Let us do the rundown list and find some other things that rocked before everyone is sad and confused about what Faceless Friday is. Here is what else has rocked my face off this past week:

Coffee (amen), cell phone coverage, frozen potatoes (in any form), shark vacuums (after 10 years and still going strong!), my soul dog Nico Harper for always loving me an being the best ever, Josie Girl (my hilarious and also in tune with her momma), Moonshadow (my demon stowaway), having a truck to borrow, having a lawn to mow, being able to beat the shit out of a punching bag when I do feel like getting up again, my Manifestation Princess and our mornings together even if our son’s school think we are sister wives or their favorite lesbian couple, my kiddo’s ability to build anything out of anything, boundaries, good music, running water, hot water, air conditioning, the electric not being shut off, sunrises, and you, dear reader. I am grateful for you. Thank you for being here. Let’s keep going.