All I want for Valentine’s Day is for my tormentor and stalker to be in jail with no chance at getting out or the morgue. I just don’t see how that is too much to ask at this point.  There are a lot of things that I can not talk about at this time, but I can at least express some of the things that are going through my mind.

I am exhausted.  I am soul tired and so overwhelmed by the constant onslaught of bullshit that keeps flowing this way that I am becoming numb to the fuckery of dumb.  The fuckery of dumb being my county not granting my protective order without giving my stalker what he wants, the chance to see me in court.  Apparently, it does not matter to my county that I have years of documentation, threats, countless ramblings of a mad man that believes I microchipped him, and put said mad man in PRISON FOR STALKING ME BEFORE. They must put us together in the same room, and fuck me and my safety getting to said court house or coming in.  And that is on the Judge.  That isn’t even taking into account their “victim’s advocate” that I explained everything too, that I told, through tears, that I have been trying to get a protective order since October and that my county will NOT serve this man demon. That the police will not take me seriously because I do not have the protective order. You know what she said? She fucking told me to file a protective order and continue to make police reports… WHAT!? And then passed me on to an advocacy group…

Rage. I am filled with rage at a complete lack of empathy, understanding or knowledge of how to handle any sort of domestic abuse, stalking or psychopathy by the entire county. From the police department brushing me off repeatedly to the courts not granting my repeated attempts at a much needed protective order. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not naïve enough to believe that a PO would do anything to stop this mad man and his attempts to harass me, but at least with that the police may do something? Or someone would take me seriously when I call with my concerns that he has driven past my house six times, is using his county’s court system to further harass me and the numerous other things that will come out later?

I so desperately want peace and safety for my son and me.  We have never had it.  We deserve it.  From his father and his countless harassment and abuse that finally ended last year, to now this shit show, in the last six years, the entirety of my son’s life he has only seen a mother at peace for maybe four months.  He doesn’t know the struggle, the fear, the hardships we have endured, that I have endured to keep him safe, and he won’t until he is an adult, but as a sensitive child I am sure that no matter how hard I try and put on a happy and care free face he senses the turmoil within me.  All I ever wanted for my son was for him to not live a life like I had. For him to have joy, sunshine, and a mother that absolutely, above all, showed her love, attention and devotion.  I feel we have been robbed, repeatedly by the choices I made in my past by choosing terrible men that cannot and will not let me go.

I am all my son has and I feel like a shell of a mother because I am in constant fear for our lives.  Constant fear that I will be taken from him, or that he will be taken from me.  That he will never know how truly hard and profoundly I have fought for even a glimmer of joy in his life.  So that he may swing on his swing set outside, so that we can drive to school safely, so that he can grow into the beautiful soulful man he is destined to be.  My beautiful boy deserves so much more than what the last six years have given him, and so do I.