I am tired.

Tired of feeling like this… whatever “this” is… Every day I get up and I try my damndest to be positive, to affect the world in pure intentioned ways, to be the person I hope I am meant to be.  And I am tired of going to bed every night wondering what I have done so very wrong to have my life turn out so very fucked up.  Wondering why I can’t seem to catch a break, or most recently why I am not worthy of pure and gentle kindness.

The past two years have been emotional hell for me… I have survived a divorce, a stalker, the loss of my job, the loss of a vehicle and the loss of my home, and the loss of what I thought to be the most promising relationship. Top that all off with chronic pain from a failing back and fibromyalgia and I am a walking time-bomb of sadness.

And then… here I am I struggling with living with my mother again for the first time in a long time.  As good as her intentions may be she is abusive and living here hurts me to my core.  I cannot explain this to anyone.  I cannot sit here and share every life shattering thing I have dealt with in my life… I can only say I am tired and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I am so tired of hurting. I am tired of being invisible and unloved. I am tired of being so alone and so fucking compassionate for how everyone else feels.  I need.  I am a feeler.  I have emotions. I have wants and desires, and I should never have to apologize for them, to anyone, especially myself.

I am grieving for my life and trying to maintain some hope at the same time.

Being aware and healthy and responsible for one’s actions and feelings is fucking hard and draining.

I can only hope that there is a reason for all of this pain.  I surrender.

BLESS ME, NEVER STRESS ME.