I’m not really interested in becoming collateral damage in a man’s war with himself anymore. Long gone are those days where I would try and fight for someone to see my worth in their battle with their own feelings about me. I simply cannot anymore. A lifetime of trying to prove to people that I am worthy of love only to be treated, time and time again, as if my feelings and heart held no weight, have left me exhausted in a way that I don’t even want to try and describe. And it is more than exhausting at times. Sometimes it is waves of anger. Anger at myself for somehow always making myself vulnerable to people that cannot hold the depth of me or even imagine it. Sometimes it is anger at those people for just that, not being able to even fathom my depth, or if they do not caring about it. A cycle repeated since birth and started by my mother. Where I learned that my happiness and feelings were secondary to anything and everything else going on. So now, now that I have learned my patterns and lessons and healed, I must sit with how uncomfortable things get when I ask for clarity or set a boundary I must hold.
That’s what they don’t tell you about healing and growth. It is often uncomfortable and nauseating after living a certain way. It is a practice that takes practice. You must stop and check in with yourself and really evaluate your motivation, feelings, and needs so often they sometimes start to feel like they aren’t real anymore. You learn that most things you want from other people you can give yourself better and that if others can offer it to you, it is only an added bonus to your life to be treated like a whisp of magic that you cannot actually grasp. It is both exciting and defeating because you want so badly to share yourself with someone and prove, if only to yourself how healthy you have become, but you also want to cling so badly to what could be, knowing that you can’t.
Sometimes you have to just sit back and let people continue the wars within themselves while you keep marching on.
craughing 