I do this ridiculous thing.  I wait.  I wait for messages, phone calls, apologies, you know all that shit. 

I physically must remind myself sometimes that people do not care and that they do not think like me or see things like I do.   

The thing is I wait as a nicety to them.  I give them the benefit of the doubt as long as I can, pushing hope into the ether until it really is impossible to see it any other way…. and then, I’m done.  

And that’s what people hate.  That’s where shit gets ugly and the “ice queen” nickname I picked up in high school kicks in.  You know how in Vampire Diaries (guilty pleasure) the vampires can shut off their humanity? I feel like that is what happens, but it is me looking at things logically and clearly without allowing grace and romanticizing behaviors.  It usually creeps in while still in contact with a person.  Creeps in slow and I start seeing cracks in stories I am told, shifts in energy, little things here and there that are like puzzle pieces my mind screams “Are we doing this now, or are we gonna hang out a bit longer and see what happens?”  I usually try and hang on.  I want to hang on usually. I want to give people a chance to not be shady and untruthful to me. 

And then something happens.  A cumulation of events and I typically snap in some ugly way because all I can think of is the collection of all the things in my mind and not just one thing. And that conversation usually ends with me saying “fuck it” in one way or another.  But see, the thing with that is, I am an anxious avoidant mess of a human so… I don’t mean it.  And that is confusing as fuck for everyone involved, because what the hell do I mean fuck off, but don’t, and prove you want me in your life? It’s humorous writing about it because this side of me only comes out when I’m dealing with another avoidant or someone that isn’t as interested in me as I am them (which is whack because I’m fucking awesome). Hindsight says this is probably why it always took me so long to leave abusive relationships; they were always willing to show me, in big ways, that they wanted me.  And am I scared that I will never be loved like that or that I will again? Yes. 

The thing is, I will let you love me, but you have to go through seven layers of hell first.  You have to cut through my funny and charm and try and see the depth that is there.  You then have to fight with me about sharing any of that depth, and if I do share it will come out in layers and what little I will tell you will sound traumatic as fuck but is just the non-emotional “safe” stuff I share.  And then I will test you.  I won’t mean to; I won’t even realize that is what I am doing until it is too late. I will push you away and emotionally thrash like a child against things that probably haven’t happened, but I haven’t figured out how to share my fears over.  The thing about being single and healing for the last eight years is I haven’t had much practice in communicating fears, needs and wants in a healthy way.  I am lucky to have some solid friends that have been able to help with some of this, but friendships are different than romantic relationships, ya know.   

And this is where most can’t hang.  I am unapologetically passionate and fire.  Don’t get me wrong, when given the opportunity I will apologize (I’ve gotten quite good at this part). The problem lies with weakness. If someone is not strong enough to handle my fire and ice they will never hear the apology, or the story, or fully experience me. 

I see how this is something that needs worked on, but I also see how this has protected me from some predatory men.  Men I attempted to be open with and used my openness as a weapon against me.  Because what do you mean I am telling you I have abandonment trauma, and you aren’t going to open my messages for a week? The fuck. And I know that shouldn’t bother me, not really, because once you see someone’s true colors you should walk away and all that bullshit. Still I’m kinda pissed the Universe was so close to getting it right this time.  

And maybe the lesson was to see all this more clearly (as if I didn’t already fucking know), or to see that I was ready to repeat a cycle again. Who knows. It’s been a hell of a week fighting my own mind on this shit and it’s exhausting trying to listen to self and God and be patient and wait for good things all at the same time.  It has been hard to not shut off all of those feelings and be done completely.  Maybe that is the lesson?  Maybe the lesson is when someone shows me who they are, I should just go? 

But also ewww for making me feel like I’m too much after the hell I’ve drug myself out of.