Good Morning Craughers and welcome back to Faceless Friday. As a quick reminder, and to let our newbies know, Faceless Friday is where I let the world know all of my business in the form of gratitude and what has rocked my face off the past week. Let’s go!

Moonshadow Underfoot. Moonshadow Underfoot was my mean ass half feral girl cat that came into my life about three years ago when I found her in my back wildflower bed. As a kitten she had a puncture in her throat that made her voice not work, but still she was very much alive and very much mine. As a baby she slept on me. She fought my son at every chance she got (absolutely destroyed his face a few times). She was a cat version of me, wanted love and cuddles on her terms and if you did something she didn’t like she would attack. I went through a lot of band aids with her. As she got older and more cats kept showing up through the distribution system she claimed her own room. Yes, my cat had her own room and she loved it and would come out of it, explore, and decide she was done and go back to her safe haven. (This is how I raise animals and people apparently.) She became nicer when it was just us. She followed me around, listened to me and wanted all of the cuddles. And then Thursday night I went into her room and found her under her bed not moving. I’m not sure what happened but fuck I miss her mean ass already. Her trying to meow and never being able too because of her vocal cord damage. Her cuddles but also evil eye because she was ready to bite when needed. And this sad story is to say, that I am grateful I had the privilege of loving her and having her as long as I did. That she will be the first lesson in death for my son and will help prepare him for when Nico dog passes, and that I was able to return her to the flower bed I found her in. I am no stranger to death, the lessons it brings, and how grief works, but damn does it still suck. Having the love of a cat named Moonshadow Underfoot rocked my face off and I am so grateful.

Being Seen. I was trained as a child to hide in shadows, to not have feelings and to not “rock the boat”. It took me well into my twenties to even start being able to name my own feelings. I could name everyone else’s feelings. I could tell you how a stranger felt about a certain thing at a certain time with expert clarity and be correct, but I could not tell you how I felt about ANYTHING. Anything at all. Did I like tv? What was my favorite color? How did I feel about this trauma or that trauma (fuck if I knew). It took years to discover myself, and even longer to heal from most of the trauma I went through (ever growing, ever healing). So, to have someone see me, and be able to reflect that back to me is such an awe-inspiring and terrifying thing. What do you mean I can share mySELF with you and you are grateful for that? I will have so much more to say about this, but I am still at such a loss for words. I am so grateful.

Emotions. While we are at it, I am grateful for emotions, and that I can feel my own now and that even though I have been crying for a fucking week I know why and I know it’s not a bad thing. No longer feeling shame for being who I am rocks, even if it’s just not feeling that shame within myself. It takes a long time to undo some hurts and when they finally fall away they should be celebrated. I am grateful I feel, and feel as deeply as I do, and that because of that depth I have been able to be apart of so many amazing people’s lives and moments. Being who I am rocks my face off.

Mercury Retrograde. I know right? Who the fuck would be thankful for this shit!? But hear me out. I haven’t had not ONE ex try to get a hold of me! I am so fucking grateful that I have pulled my energy all the way back that they can’t even find me on their radar anymore. Let’s be honest my self worth was on their level, I never was.

Let’s wrap this up so we can do Friday things! Here is the short list of what has rocked my face off this past week:

Coffee, my kid, the hellhounds, the purrs, voice notes, being able to laugh at most of the fall of America because are you kidding me: the jokes!! We are some funny muthaphuckas, being brave, practicing the pause more often so I don’t crash the fuck out, music, pattern recognition, friendship, and you, for being here, for also seeing me and for always being down for the ride, you all ROCK my face off.

All love. All ways. Always.

Craughing Girl