I’ve always been different. I always felt harder and deeper than most.  It has been my strength when helping people and my downfall in every relationship I have ever had.  I have tried so hard in the last 8 years to kill this part of myself, the part that yearns for companionship, understanding and love.  I have begged and pleaded with the Universe to stop me from wanting these things, screaming into an abyss that laughs back in return anytime someone says I’m pretty or thanks me for seeing them.  Repeatedly I observe; I help; I love, I give, and I lose. I am exhausted by who I am, too soft for this world and what it has done to the people that inhabit it.   

Sure, I wear my armor boldly. My dark sense of humor and quick wit always at the ready to hide what is naturally brewing beneath my surface. The truth is I don’t want to feel anymore, not like this.  Not where everything feels like a betrayal, where my heart yearns for things that I will never experience, and where I will never have the safety of not wearing a mask that makes me easier to handle.  I don’t want to be easy to handle! I want to be who I am without shame, guilt and second guessing every fucking thing I do because lame ass people can’t even stand close to my flames.  

I am too much.  I always have been but not once has someone dared to try and meet me here.  Instead, they asked me to hide myself.  Made me feel like I was in the wrong for feeling strongly, boldly wanting more from this life.  Never do they question if they are in the wrong for not wanting more from themselves and their relationships. Throw around love, sex and words like they don’t mean anything.  Like your body, mind and soul aren’t magic wrapped up in absolute divinity.  As if I am the crazy one for expecting more, wanting more, demanding more. 

The more I won’t have.  And that is what I need to grasp ultimately, my longest and hardest lesson.  I am not destined to be loved, not in partnership anyway.