I don’t have it in me to write a Faceless Friday today.  I don’t feel very grateful.  I feel hopeless, sad, and defeated. 

I do not understand a world where the best people, the truly amazing, faithful and divine people get fucked.  I do not understand a world where the innocent, beautiful and pure have so much tragedy.   I do not understand a God, a Universe, that allows the truly vile to continue to torment and live, while those of us that try so fucking hard to do right and be righteous keep getting abused and let down.  I do not understand a world where children have to spend their ENTIRE LIVES undoing abuse done to them when they were children paying for the sins of others.   I cannot understand today why there is any room for hope. 

I am tired of “learning lessons” of “being made stronger” and FOR WHAT!? For fucking what? I am tired of a body that is deteriorating and has been since I was a teenager.  A spine that needs reinforced with metal just so that I can walk on a good day.  I am tired of medications to function so that I can live this half assed life in disability, never being able to move out of poverty because the system is set up to keep me poor, to keep me dependent.  I am fucking exhausted of trying to be positive and think positive thoughts when everything in my life has been against me since day fucking one. Fucking everything.

Yes, I have made some shitty choices on my journey. Do they warrant over twenty years of a psychotic stalker?  Of 43 years of trying to survive being mind fucked by parents that never saw me as an individual that had my own feelings? Of being dragged to court by my son’s father for over three years so he could continue to abuse me in his meth filled rage at my leaving him for my safety? Have I done something so terrible in my life that I am destined to live like this?

I am exhausted today.  I am tired of trying to be brave.  I am tired of trying to have hope.  I am tired of trying to manifest or envision more when more never fucking comes.

I deserve a miracle.