Lets get real about trauma bonds.

You can read all the books, blogs, websites, watch all the YouTube videos, reels, etc. and still feel lost on this topic because the truth of the matter is trauma bonds are an addiction. A gut wrenching, soul stealing, take your breath away and leave you clutching your belly addiction.  Except the withdrawal is from another person, and not talking to them and not responding to them is an act of ripping your own heart out time and time again.  Leaving yourself bloodied on the floor while you watch yourself withering away craving the one thing, the one person, that is hurting you.  And that person knows this and uses it.  The odds are not in your favor.  You can feel strong, put your phone on silent, busy your time, occupy your space and still they know how your mind works.  They know what your triggers are and pounce on you with a precision that cannot be described.  Your mind and theirs are working against you. You feel hopeless, worthless, unloved and unwanted until your next “hit”, your next text, your next message (even if it is brutal) because it means they are thinking of you, like you are thinking of them. You matter, like they matter.  All of it wasn’t a lie like the internet and the books have told you.  “See? They love me. They wouldn’t do this if they didn’t.” You repeat this in your head, keeping this thought a secret because stating it out loud sounds so absolutely crazy you are sure someone will lock you up. Someone will see how unloved and unworthy you feel.  They will see that this is what you equate love with.

Of course it will matter, along the way, of how you began this thought process. Who taught you that you did not matter my child? When you were so young and innocent and naïve to the world.  Who taught you that your voice and your heart were meant to be hurt and devoured by the cowards of the world, those not brave enough to love something  fiercely, with passion AND kindness? That will all matter.  But not now.  Now what matters is breaking this bond that has you laying on your bed begging the Universe, God and perhaps the Devil himself to undo whatever ties you have to the captive of your mind and heart. Your logic seems to be intact.  You can see that they hurt you, your heart and physical body just has not caught up to this mindset.  The fog is heavy in your body with delusion, always twisting and turning to make it “not that bad”, to convince yourself, the core of who you are, that there is love there.  That they love you.  They have to love you.  How can it possibly hurt this bad if they did not?  How can they know the perfect time to reach out to you if there weren’t a soul connection?  How can they possibly know the depths of which to hurt you, if they didn’t love you just as much?

I encourage you to consider, even for just this moment that it doesn’t matter.  It does not matter if they love you, want you or even need you.  Yes, I know every fiber of your entire being wants to reject that thought and the addict wants to scream and fight and close out these words. I know. Please, keep reading. 

I encourage you, for maybe the first time ever, to consider your own sanity and take a look at what is happening here with a new wonder.  Try and stop, even if for the amount of time it takes to read these words to not consider their feelings, wants and needs and only look at YOU.  Imagine, if you will, a light within you, dim as it may seem, growing brighter and brighter as you read these words.  This my dear reader, my love, is YOUR life light, and it is your birth right. It is yours. Imagine it now as it glows as you see it, dancing like a candle flickering, so happy to be acknowledged and seen by you.  As you read these words it grows brighter and creates a bubble around you.  This is your protective force for the remainder of this reading.  You are the only one here.  You need not worry about them or their feelings here, and they will not even know you did not consider them.  You do not need to feel afraid, ashamed or scared that you are within your own protected space. All of you is welcome here. ALL OF YOU IS WELCOME HERE. Every worry, fear, thought, shame, struggle, joy, wish and desire. You are welcome here. No one can see this space, no one can enter this space, and you need not feel guilt or shame for having this space. You are allowed to inventory your feelings and thoughts here. You are protected by your own healing light and no one else can see it. They do not know, and they do not need to know.  You are protected from this trauma bond addiction here. Take a deep breath. You are okay. This is okay.

Now that you are blocking the feelings, thoughts and actions of others, let’s look at ourselves.  How do you feel? What do you see?  Without the influence of anyone else. Without the influence of their reaction, their mood, their needs or wants, what is it that you truly desire?  Is it to be free?  Do you remember that moment when you felt relief that things were ending? That split second you had before all the other junk came flooding in to convince you otherwise?  That one glorious moment when you knew you were doing the right thing by letting it all go and moving forward? Let’s get that back.

You will hurt your own feelings.  You may hurt their feelings.  Your sanity and your life HAVE to be worth more than caring about either of those things.  Lifting the fog you have felt for the duration of this relationship and breakup and breakdown have to be worth more than hurt feelings and feeling how you have been.  This is going to get ugly for you because you are finally ready to do the work it takes to cut through the bullshit and break your addiction.  I know you have seen movies portray heroin withdrawal, or maybe you have seen it in your own life, this is nothing short of that.  That’s what the books and the internet won’t tell you.  That’s what you need to know.  For us that feel everything, especially us that feel everything FOR other people, this breaks us down, breaks us open and leaves us exposed.  It is up to you to decide if it’s worth it.  I hope you do.

First step.  Get real. Like for really real. More real.  Get so fucking for real right now.  Get a paper, a notebook, a journal, a keyboard, whatever you need or feel comfortable writing on/in because you’re gonna make a list and will probably want to document your progress.  (Also if your abuser or partner that you are leaving is still around make sure this is locked away, has a passcode, etc. Trust me on this one as I’m speaking from experience…. Yikes).  

Second step. Make a list of every terrible no good rotten thing this person has ever done to you or that you have witnessed this person do.  Do not make excuses, do not sugar coat, and do not get in your feelings about this.  This is a factual list meant for YOU and you only.  Get real and raw.  List EVERY FUCKING THING.  I repeat, do not get in your feelings about this and start making excuses and trying to see the angles and the whys and the whatnots about their actions…. Those are meant for THEM to figure out, NOT YOU.  YOU are on your own healing journey now, they can deal with their own shit. Make the list. Right now. Need some examples?  My first trauma bond list ended up being over two pages long and had things like “pretended to be asleep anytime I tried to talk about my feelings, got drunk and called me a bitch, ignored our 6 month old to punish me, cheated on me with XYZ, screamed at me in Walmart to the point that a stranger asked if I was okay then denied it happened, stole my pain pills, hid his drug use, went to couples counseling with me while sleeping with his ex-wife”. There was a lot more, but you get the idea and this isn’t about my shit.   Make the list. Add to it as memories come up. Reread this list EVERY time you feel that pang of want and desire to contact them.  Reread this list when you are longing for them and feel like you can’t move forward without knowing what they are doing. Reread this list as often as you need too.  Carry it with you if you have to.  You will need this reminder. You have GOT to start seeing the actions as the person and not the words and the potential.

Third Step. Change their contact info.  Give them a nickname.  All the assholes in my life have a nickname and a super sweet picture that pops up when they contact me.  You need to start calling an asshole an asshole.  My son’s father’s name is Moodswing Maverick.  The stalker that I had to put in prison is NBK (natural born killer).  They ALL have nicknames, and they all have a sweet picture that pops up that reminds me of who they are when they contact me.  I believe one says “This is what a Sociopath looks like”. Get creative. You are training your brain to see this person for who they really are. Also change their ringtone and notification sound.  You need to stop getting that high/rush every time your phone does its thing.

Fourth step. Block or Grey Rock.  You knew it was coming…. If you have children and are co-parenting I know you technically can’t ignore them, if they are actively parenting, but you can ONLY discuss things related to the child or children and ignore all the rest. You need to start determining what needs a response and what a reaction is.  There are a lot of resources about this online and it is a good idea to look into ways to co-parent with a narcissist.  I’m not saying that’s what they are, but I am saying that in order for YOU to get healthy and break this addiction you need tips and tricks to help you stop your heart from bleeding out all over the damn place every time your phone dings. If you do not have children there is no reason for you to not block them.  I know you have a million reasons going through your head right now about why you cannot block them, but please consider that you can’t do a “little” meth while kicking a meth addiction.  Look, I already know you are going to block them and keep looking at the messages in the spam and blocked folder… we are one in the same… The goal here is your sanity and to lift that fog you have.  You do not need to respond.  If you are looking at the messages and are not ready to block write your responses in a journal, or notepad, or start sending the replies to a friend instead of the person.  This was one of my favorite and most helpful tricks until I was actually able to disengage.  I would screen shot the message, send it to my best friend and then respond to her like I would the person.  That way you get your feelings out and you aren’t engaging with them.

Fifth Step.  New Music.  I get it. Your heart hurts and you want to express it and get all the crying out at the same time, but we are trying to move towards healing and with that comes new tunes.  Make a playlist. A badass playlist about how you are amazing.  Or a playlist about how they are scum.  Or an empowering playlist about how you are finally ready to take over the world as soon as all of this is over. Make it upbeat, hard hitting and something that makes you want to get your body moving.  If you don’t know where to start you can search for the Wilderness (Amazon show) soundtrack and start there.  I am also on Spotify as Craughing Girl and have some pretty bad ass playlists.  Just know any weird Minecraft songs are because of my kiddo, and yes I know all the words to them.

Sixth Step. Breathe baby.  I know this fucking sucks and your heart hurts and no one understands (mostly you), but please give yourself some grace in the midst of this.  Treat yourself kindly and like you would someone you love.  This is going to take time and healing is gut-wrenching work, but the other side is gonna be worth it.  Be kind to yourself and try to be understanding and compassionate to yourself.  It is hard enough out here without your own thoughts tearing you down.  You will try and try to make sense of so many things during this time, but what really truly matters is that you make sense of YOU and what you feel and think.  Treat yourself like you would your best friend, with compassion and understanding.  Be gentle and gracious and speak kindly to your heart and let it know that you are working on repairing what is broken, without letting others continue to break it. Remind yourself that you are capable and fully able to be the safe space you need, because you are.  You may have slipped, made a wrong turn, learned some wrong ways to love along the way, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t capable and able to love who you are now. And you are.  You are fully able to treat yourself well and be protective of your heart and mind.  You are taking the steps now to show yourself that. I am so proud of you, I hope you are too.