Things I should talk about, but don’t want to part 1:

Ughhhhh!!! Remember when NBK (natural born killer) and I went round and round for years and I finally nailed his ass for stalking? Remember how he spent 3 years in prison for that? Yeah… good times.. Great times…

Fuck.

So…. about two years ago NBK’s dad gets ahold of me, says he (nbk) is back in prison and is sober and is looking to make amends and working his steps. Wants to apologize for all the terrible shit he did. I’m thinking he’s in prison, can’t hurt, right? Maybe he has changed, maybe he is really working the steps (yes I know, I’m a fucking idiot). I’m thinking 20 years of some sort of trauma bond fuckery has to count for something, right?

Did I mention I’m a fucking idiot and was also dealing with Moodswing Maverick so my brain was all sorts of destroyed and… sometimes when you grow up thinking you’re worthless, you look for worth in the most terrible places?

So here we are. He relapsed and lost his mind. Said I planted a microchip in his brain. How I would have done that from outside of a prison I’m not sure, not to mention I have zero surgical skills or microchip knowledge. Wholeheartedly believes I am a part of some Swedish Mafia that was talking to him through this microchip in his brain. Writing me novels of crazy talk and asking me to send letters to celebrities for him.

And I told him, his family, and friends REPEATEDLY that any contact needed to STOP. It didn’t.

He got out October 6th.

October 6th, even though I had multiple people tell him I would file a protective order against him if he continued to contact me, he had a corrections officer call me and ask if I would pick him up from prison. Like what!? I can’t even make this shit up.

A few hours later he called from a cell phone. I told him not to contact me and that I was filing the PO. A few hours after that… new cell number and calls and texts.

Here we go again is all my brain can keep repeating. I feel so much embarrassment and shame for bringing this onto myself all over again. I hate that I am so broken inside that it has taken me 42 years to finally get to a point where I can say no, absolutely, no and there not be any hestation. And let’s be honest, that’s because of my kids safety.

I filed the protective order. I’ll be honest, I know these don’t work, but at least that piece of paper makes it easier to build a case… AND what do get today!? A notice from the court to appear to defend my reasoning for needing the PO. As if putting him in fucking prison 12 years ago FOR FUCKING TRYING TO KILL ME AND STALKING ME WASN’T ENOUGH TO GRANT IT. I am so mad at the system for forcing me to face him, again, in court. I am so mad at myself for ever inviting such trash ass people in my life in the first place.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen next but I needed to be honest with you. You need to know that for as much healing and growth as we do, sometimes we still wish the best for the worst of people, and it usually costs us. I am so fucking sorry Craughers, friends, family that this roller-coaster has started again, but this time, this time I am angry. I am not scared. I am fucking pissed.

Over twenty years of this bullshit from the same psychopath is enough. It’s been enough. When someone says “do not contact me again, you are scaring me” YOU FUCKING STOP.