Good morning. Welcome back to another instalment of Faceless Friday, where we list out all the things that have rocked off my face in the past week.  There have been quiet a few!  Let’s begin!

Keeping my cool. Aka keeping my mouth shut.  This hasn’t always been easy for me, in fact there was a time, a majority of my life, that if I felt strong enough about something I felt I had to speak on it.  And then… I stopped speaking.  For years.  Stopped fighting with people, ideas, and crazy, for my own sanity and that underlying urge to get people to see my worth.  It took years and years for me to get to this point.  To stop trying to explain to people who I am, that I am worthy of such human things such as kindness, compassion or understanding.  Some may see this as giving up, but I see it as truly fighting for what is the most important: my own sanity.  Sure the urge to bark back comes snapping and rearing from time to time, but what good has fighting crazy with crazy every really done?  Maybe in my losing my sanity during the struggles and trials with my son’s father I gained a maturity?  Maybe I became more calculated?  Or maybe in my healing I have finally came to a point of “what’s the point”?  My fight, my vigor, my words matter and I will use them when needed as the weapons they are.  Most people do not deserve my response.  Most do not deserve the argument that they so crave, to see me stumble and cave to their whim.  We do that shit in private in Craughing Land 😉 Never letting your enemies know how they effect you fucking rocks.

My Nico Harper.  There was a time, ten years ago or so… when I fought the stalker and he almost one.  I was so close to suicide that I “should” be embarrassed to admit how I laid on my floor flaying like a got damn toddler.  Screaming to the Gods and whatever forces that would listen that I could not take anymore, that I was DONE.  That it all seemed pointless because he was going to keep winning and keep making my life a living hell.  I cried and screamed and begged, BEGGED for my life… and then like a whisper in my mind the thought “get a dog” came in.  Get a dog. Get a dog. Get a dog.  I didn’t even like dogs, but it seemed reasonable.  Seemed like the best idea.  At least with a dog I would be able to sleep because it would bark if someone were to break in?  I wouldn’t have to sit on the top of my stairs anymore with a lighter and a can of hairspray.  I could sleep!!  I went to the local shelter the next day.  That was and still is the best (first best) decision I ever made.  Nico Man Dawg Extraordinaire, Nico Harper, my first and true love… freed from the shelter with a bad check.  A dog that in fact doesn’t bark, and has never,  which is hilarious.  He does however do this high pitched excited cry thing when he sees people he knows, which always makes me laugh.  He gave me a reason to live again and for that I am so grateful.  He is an old man now, going blind and deaf, but still so damn in tune to me that I cannot have any feelings near him without cuddles.  He has been with me for so many of my life’s changes and the gratitude I have is immeasurable.  It is so cliché when you see the signs and the quotes that say “who rescued who” but I know it is always true, always, they rescue us.

My Strength.  As my body goes out of fight mode and into “oh we aren’t shooting anyone today” mode I see how strong I have been the last six months (and longer) dealing with the threat of someone ready to take my life and possibly my sons.  The threat of someone chipping away at my sanity in every possible way over and over again for years and years.  I admire myself as a stranger at times and see that I am still standing.  I am still a loving mother that has made this home a safe haven for my son, a place where he does not know of threats and a cruel world.  I see how  people would have crumbled years ago and I admire that I am still going and will continue to.  I will see this through.  I will stand up for myself, for other women, and for my son until the threat is gone.  I will remind myself of this on the days, and in the moments when I want to quit.  When I want to hide in the comfort of my heated blanket and cry until the world and its vicious ways disappear.  I will remind myself of all the reasons I must keep going. 

And for the wrap up list! Here are a few things that have also rocked my face off this week:

My friends showing up for me (always and in all ways), coffee, music, audio books, virtual doctors visits because none of my fucking pants fit right now!!, Shark vacuums, hot water, pain meds on rainy ouchy dumb days, water color paints, nice and cheap paint brushes, having dog food, and YOU for being here for the whole damn ride! Thank you!