I am spiraling.

And how fucking ridiculous it feels to say, or write this, to admit any sort of defeat or defect in strength after six months of fighting pure evil and hell.

How shameful it feels to admit that now that the threat is in jail my body is giving up, my mind following quick pursuit and I am once again feeling that stuck feeling of “what the fuck just happened” and “are you going to get off of this couch” with the ever so present guilt of “get off your ass and DO”.  My trauma responses have always been delayed… or maybe this is just how I deal with trauma?  Some taking two years to actually catch up to me.  My go to in my youth was to go, go, go, to not slow down, to not think, to keep moving forward at such a momentum that nothing had time to settle in my mind.  I stopped doing that a long time ago and decided to take, what I feel, is the braver approach and feel my fucking feelings head on.  AND IT SUCKS. 

It is so hard to sit with feelings and feel so fucking shitty but it is even harder for those of us that were never taught we had feelings when we were younger.  It is hard to process my feelings when I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM FEELING.  Half the time I have to talk it all out into exhaustion to have my therapist tell me what I am thinking/feeling/hiding.  It’s so hard and I am sick of being sick.  Sick of not having an understanding of my own mind because I have been through so much bullshit my mind can’t even process it all, let alone begin to figure out how I am feeling on any given day. 

My therapist has been trying to get me to do EDMR for three years and it keeps getting put on the back burner because life is always so fucking crazy we don’t want to overwhelm me.  Hard to fight through the childhood traumas when current traumas are playing out.  This life has been so fucking hard and exhausting.   

And I try to stay positive.  I’m funny in person and nice (once you know me) and giving and caring and all of that bullshit.  But so tired.

Tired of worrying about the next attack.  Tired of worrying about everything.  I feel, at this point, that if I am not battling for my life, I am battling for my sanity.  Evil keeps trying to win and no matter what I do it just keeps coming.  I want to write out a list of my grievances and send them up the chain of command.  Is this what I signed up for?  Do I only get the small joyous moments because that is all I will actually ever have?  

Do I never get to be happy in my own skin? Do I always have to struggle with being content when things are calm?  (things are never fucking calm)  Will I always be fighting to remind myself to be grateful and happy with what I have because it is the only thing keeping me from spiraling further? 

I want so many things and I feel like who I am as a person is constantly stopping any of those things from happening.  My own mind fighting me on every fucking thing.  My body failing when my mind does want to cooperate.  And if the two do get along for a day? I don’t have the economic help I need to go further than where I am.  I feel like a fucking victim of myself and my own life.  I hate it and it’s making me start to hate myself.

And it is nothing new. Nothing has changed in 30 years. I am still who I have always been.