You know what’s the worst?  

Being self-aware. I fucking hate this shit man.  Being self-aware will have you in deep ass conversations with creator, screaming “I fucking KNOW but JUST ONCE could it be different?”.  The Universe is a master at testing to see if you actually learned your lesson the last time (or the 894 time in my case).  I do. I learn. I learn way faster than I ever have before, hell to be honest I am so self-aware sometimes I know what I am doing is unhealthy and I say, “fuck it” and do it anyway because… well, probably boredom, and probably also testing my own boundaries.  (Alsooooooo, I like to distract myself from cPTSD flairs and that tends to get me into some messes). There, some brutal honesty for this cold ass Thursday morning. 

I will distract to my own detriment. I will see patterns, hear the words, see the signs, you know all the shit, and still fuck my own mind up, sometimes on purpose so I don’t have to feel the pain in my body, my mind replaying things that do not even matter anymore.  That’s the thing about ptsd isn’t? You can keep working your ass off and logically heal from it, but your body takes a while to catch up. And it gets old and boring and stupid.  

I have been healing from shit my whole fucking life.  I’m over it. I want rewards now.  I want love that doesn’t require me to bleed out for just for acknowledgment.  I want my book to finish writing its fucking self because at this point I’m over that shit too and actually want to take it in an entirely different direction so it just sits…  I want all the evil, unsafe fucks to leave me alone, I want my kid to grow up with joy and health, I want my house to be clean and me not be the one cleaning it.  I want a break from giving a shit about EVERYONE else and their feelings and what this or that means and just tell them all to go fuck themselves because what do you mean you aren’t adult enough to HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION!? Grow up. 

I am tired of the “spiritual” community acting like they can’t fucking do anything without a “sign” when in reality the Universe needs the SIGN FIRST. MAKE A FUCKING CHOICE BRO. I am tired of baby witches thinking you need this and that to make shit happen when all you really need is you and your mind. I’m tired of not telling people to fuck off when I should, and I am tired of people saying one thing and meaning another (once again, grow up).   

I am tired of this hellscape of a government and the enormity of what needs changing for anything to be better, and I am sick of people not burning it all to the fucking ground. 

Mostly I am tired of being nice. I’m actually not nice. I am kind, yes, I suppose, but I’m not fucking nice. Go fuck yourself and your “nice”. Gross. 

This post brought to you by my new green flannel and dark lipstick.