You almost had me convinced that I asked too much, but I gave you a piece of my magic no one has seen, so having expectations wasn’t even a choice.  I’m sure you are a lesson about loving myself more, they always are. How not to lose my mind and think everything is divine, that sometimes the cycle is just the cycle, and the lesson is just the same fucking lesson.  How to recognize depth for ego, real for “reality” and authenticity for charm.  I repeat this cycle because I seem to never learn that people are not like me.  Even after they have almost murdered me, even after a near soul death, even after years and years of abuse, I still can’t seem to believe that people aren’t who they say they are.  It’s amazing the naivety that takes, especially coming from someone like me with real-life experience and education.   

And even when I saw it, I gave grace and the benefit of the doubt.  Shoved the gross feeling down, as I always do, to see if maybe I was wrong this time.  Explained a need, a simple need based on over forty years of trauma and… instead of seeing that as my inner child screaming (as I explained) you made me feel crazy for expecting acknowledgment.  Acknowledgment, something I require from all of my friends, even the avoidant ones.   

Letting go is hard for me.  You would think with the amount of people I have buried and had to leave I would be so good at this part, but my heart breaks every damn time.  Echoes of “you are just too sensitive” and “wow, you are really intense” swim through my head because, why would I care so much, but also, why wouldn’t I? It is not in my nature to not feel with my complete being, a blessing and a curse.  This is who I am, and it has taken me so fucking long to fully fall in love with it. I can’t apologize anymore. 

I remain learning and growing. Reparenting that girl at the top of the stairs listening to things no child should ever hear. Telling her, she is safe, worthy, and seen.  I will continue to witness her and love her and be the woman that would die for a girl like that.  And someday, one day, I will have the privilege of someone seeing her too and loving her just as much.